While the majority of the application looks good, we'd like to ask for a revised first person sample.

The first person sample should be written while keeping in mind that it could be possibly something your character would put onto the network for the public, if written from scratch. There doesn't seem to be anyone addressed and it borders on being an introspective monologue.

We apologize for the inconvenience. You have one week to reply to these revisions. Thank you.